Because being not loud means your boring and unsociable… right?
I’m a journey of self discovery today, so this post is going to be a bit personal. I promise it will be interesting just bare with.
So many people who know me will probably see me in two different ways. Close friends and family will probably say I’m very talkative and always joking around whereas other people who don’t know me quite so well will probably say I’m quiet and unsociable. Quiet, yes, unsociable no. This divide only became apparent to me when I started university and I found out I am indeed a very quiet person. Actually I prefer the term introverted.
I guess you could say it’s shyness and I can admit when I’m meeting new people or in a big group of people I am a bit shy. I hate being centre of attention and I guess I just don’t want to stand out. If you’re a shy person you probably understand this and meeting new people is such a struggle. It’s so hard to bring out who you when meeting someone new for the first time. Some people are able to do it instantly which I think is pretty amazing, others it takes time.
I think for me personally, you will only get to see that talkative and jokey side of me is if you are yourself with me. All too often we’re put in a situation where we’re just making small talk but you’re not actually being yourself. I mean you don’t know this person so it’s not going to happen straight away. What makes me feel most comfortable is if you’re able to joke around a bit and not keep everything so formal. I love people who don’t take themselves too seriously, who smile and seem genuinely interested in getting to know you. I would love to be the type of guy who instigates this kind of behaviour but I’m just not. What if I say the wrong thing? What if this person doesn’t even want to speak to me? What if I’m just annoying them?
That aside a lot of it is down to me just not wanting to say anything. You know you get these people that talk for the sake of talking. I could never be that. Because most of the time I feel as though they’re talking about crap no one wants to hear and I wouldn’t want to be that guy. If I feel as though what I have to say serves some importance then I’ll speak up. But until then I’m happy just observing and listening. Don’t mistake the silence for being unsociable because in my head I’m very much involved with this group conversation, unfortunately the topic just isn’t something I’m interested in or know much about so I keep my mouth shut.
The awkwardness that arises from these situations is unbearable though. Someone will ask me a simple question and all of a sudden it’s like I’m in an interview and my mind just goes blank. I have no idea what to say. I want to say something meaningful I really do but yeah hardly anything comes out and the other party is just staring at me like “Wow this guy is boring”. Also I’ve noticed, in person, that I’m not very good at keeping a conversation going. With close friends its easy because I speak to them everyday so I practically know what to say almost instantly without having to think but with others it takes a bit more thought and mental preparation. Thank you for conversing with me but I literally have no idea how to keep this conversation moving. And the thing that annoys me is if I’m texting I always come up with adequate responses. Ah man, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
And the messed up thing about all this is that I love getting to know new people. I guess I’m just not very good at it. I’ve come to accept I am the way I am and no matter how hard I try it;s never going to change. I’m always going to be socially awkward, that guy you no of “but doesn’t speak much”. At this point I should probably note that most of the people I am close with I am only close with because at some point they initially started speaking to me. So thanks guys! Here’s to friendship.
There’s a personality in here, it just takes the right person to bring it out. If you fancy a challenge, you know where I am haha.
So to conclude, even though I don’t say much believe me I am interested in what you’re saying. I’m not “boring” I guess I just need the right environment and people and subject to get me going. Wow I’m high maintenance.