Let’s all go to Centros… or not.

I’m writing this at 2am but will probably post it like the day after. So if you’re reading this then I’m in the past, I hope the future is all cool and everything.

Anyway I don’t normally write posts at such a ridiculous hour but I just have a lot to say, so you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and say it, because I’ll tell you this for nothing I have the worst memory ever.

So this post is about a little fast food outlet called Centros. If you live in Bournemouth then you definitely know it. If you don’t then you don’t live in Bournemouth. You think you do, but you actually don’t. I swear this place is more famous than the beach. Anywhoooooo… so I was at work having a terrible night. Slight digression, who knew people still like to club when they’re 50+. Like I’m all about living life and doing what you like, but come on. You’re 50 and you’re wearing neon clothes and Wookies on your feet. What do you do for a living? And gosh that noise, no not music, noise. No way is that music. If it is then heck, my definition of what a song is has gone completely out the window. And please you must know half your teeth are missing please try not to open your mouth when you talk to me I feel sick enough as it is. Hang on what we talking about again? Oh yeah.

So after being thrown a life line by my manager with the best words man has ever known “Do you want to go home”. Yes, Yes i bloody well do. I picked up my crap and skipped out of there like I was on my way to Narnia. Actually the good thing about the older generation is that obviously they’re more willing to part with their money because lets be hionest they’re going to do die soon. I’M KIDDING, don’t get offended. So I got a £5 tip which was burning a hole in my pocket and I thought, “I need to spend this” because I’m pretty frikkin hungry. So the go to place after work is Subway. Which is normally reliable, except for when they only have flatbread, or completely run out of bread, like what’s all that about? But today I was feeling a bit adventurous, a bit saucy so I wanted to try something different. Now I’ve been to centro like 7 times but only eaten from there twice. I always go in there and regret my decision. But I’m all about seeing the good in things and giving second chances or should I say 8th chances. So I walk in knowing that I’m not going to be met with anything new but I was determined to buy something. I wasn’t going to walk out of there empty handed. But let me tell you, I almost did. That was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The place makes no sense… I’ll tell you why.

One of the deals they promote is “Free chips with any large burger or kebab”. First of all, what the hell is a “large burger”. Like what does that even mean? Am I missing something? Is someone playing a joke? I have never asked for a “large burger” anywhere in my life. Like you have 1/4lbs burgers and 1/2lbs burgers which they sell, but when it comes to chicken they say “Large”. What is the national standard size for burgers? I have no idea. So that was that. The burger by itself costs £5. Who does this place think it is. Trying to sell burgers for £5. Well this is where their jedi mind tricks come in. You’re not actually getting “free chips”. Because a burger and chips meal that costs £5 is okay I guess, well outside of London. So there’s you thinking “what a great deal man, I got free chips” because let’s be honest we all like free stuff, which is probably why this deal sucks in so many people in. But in actual fact, you just got cheated and robbed all in the space of 2 minutes, congratulations, Props to you Centro.

Now let me rewind for a hot sec and tell you another reason for why this place sucks. So this was another time I went in there and was buying something for £6. Don’t ask what and me being a human being wanted a nice cold refreshing beverage to wash it down with. So I said to the guy can I get a CAN of tango as well. Then can you believe the guy had the cheek to say… “That will be £7.20”. Do the math. How much did that can cost? And to think I was actually going to pay that fool. So me being a bit confused I was like “Why is it so much?”. He said well the meal is £6 and the drink is £1.20. Needless to say I took my money and ran. Who are they to be charging £1.20 when it says 59p on the can? I don’t care if you’re selling the wine that Jesus made, you ain’t getting £1.20 for a can, are you mad? This is why I avoid this place.

Reason number… oh wait I’m not numbering these. reason number 8.5 for why Centros is the residence of the Devil. One of their advertised meals is chicken goujons with garlic pizza bread. Is that a normal combo? And all the photos in that damn place look like they’ve been taken with a polaroid camera back in the 1950s. I don’t know if you know this about me but old photos creep me the hell out. Don’t ask me why, they just do. Wait chicken goujons and garlic pizza bread. Do people actually sit at home and say to themselves “Ah i want some chicken goujons, and do you know what would go perfectly with that? Garlic pizza bread.” If that isn’t absurd enough the meal costs like £6. Well I say meal, that ain’t a meal. If you’re going to Centros with the sole intention of buying that then I think your life needs re-evaluating. I’m pretty sure you only get like 2 goujons that were probably bought from the Co-op around the corner.

The place is never short of drama, the craziest thing happened in there tonight. A girl had the cheek to ask for a free tap water and the guy said “No”. I know, crazy right. He had nothing to put the water in apparently. You’re telling me that in this whole building you don’t have anything to put a bit of water in. Not a cup or a mug or a skillet. You’re having me on. To be honest the girl was kind of annoying so I was actually glad the guy didn’t give her the water. She was standing there complaining about how hot the chilli sauce was. It had just been raining, go lick a puddle. You wouldn’t believe the lengths she went to, to find some sort of water holding utensil. She probably would’ve drunk water out of my ear. And like she was without a drink for quite a while. I was thinking surely the “hotness” is gone by now. What kind of chilli sauce are they selling here. Luckily for her a kind stranger, who tried to peek in on a Facebook convo I was having, bought her a bottle of water, which I’m sure cost him about £5.

Wait hold on… I bought the burger and “free” chips. THEY GOT ME! There’s me writing this thinking I’m too smart for this but they actually got me. Well I do live next to a police station, I’ll go in there and tell them how I got robbed by people disguised as fast food vendors.

To top off this whole experience I ate the burger and I liked it. So I’ll probably be back there next week, buying the exact same thing.

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