The Art of Shopping

Because shopping isn’t a hobby, it’s a skill that takes years of practice.

Yeah, I still write on this thing! You’re probably bored of seeing my ugly mug and hearing my annoying voice pound your ear drums so let’s go back to basics shall we? Today’s topic: Shopping. I mean it is that time of year so it only makes sense. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about shopping, it’s that it’s bloody hard.

In the past week I’ve had many failed shopping attempts and to be honest with you, it’s pretty woeful. I am possibly the worst shopper ever. Lets start at the beginning. For any shopping trip to be successful you need something called… money. Now I’m not a rich fellow. I have a job… but I cant be spending lavishly! And this is my biggest downfall. I’m too scared to part with my hard earned cash. Boy…. I’d make a bad parent. My kids will probably have to walk round butt naked because I won’t want to buy them clothes.

So what this results in, is me picking up an item in a shop. Then spending the next 20 minutes literally deciding whether to buy it but I know at the back of my head I’m not really going to buy it. This is also just down to me being indecisive. The question I ask myself is can I live without this item for the foreseeable future so the answer is normally “yes”. What makes this even worse is when a poor shop assistant tries to help me, desperately trying to make that sale, but I just know they’re going to be unsuccessful. Oh well… I guess that’s the life they chose, right? RIGHT? I’m a bad person aren’t I?

Moving on… let’s not forget about our experiences in between shops. Shopping centres are literally chav centrals these days. Especially during the school holidays. You get these 10 year old kids who’s parents probably don’t even know where they are with these man bags and Adidas tracksuits and so much gel their hair it’s now flammable. And every year they just seem to get younger and younger. It’s crazy! I hope I didn’t look like that when I was that age. I probably did. And have you overheard a chav conversation. Using all these slang words that they probably heard last week and talking about things that they have no business talking about. AND WHAT ARE THEY EVEN DOING THERE?? Like seriously? What are you buying that you have to grab all your snotty nosed friends and terrorise the local shopping centre for? Where is the money coming from? Okay all that was a bit judgmental… but who cares?

Now let’s talk about the other end of the spectrum. These places are never short of good looking human beings that you just can’t help but stare at or stalk for a good 10 minutes. Is that weird? Don’t lie to yourself you know you’ve done that. But there’s no shame in that, its only normal for us to appreciate beautiful things right? Is that objectification? Even if it is that’s not gonna stop us.

If I’m not buying anything. Then I’m buying too much. And once I start I can’t stop. It’s like I’ve had my first taste of blood. I start completely forgetting that all this stuff I’m buying is costing me money and I get stuff that I don’t even need. What business do I have buying a watermelon cooler? The power of advertising people… convincing you to buy crap you definitely don’t need. And all this is even worse when shopping online. Because at least when you’re shopping in person you kind of get tired and physically can’t shop anymore but this just isn’t a problem. Also shops close, the internet… does not. I went so crazy on Black Friday that I started buying things that we’rent even in the sales. I was a zombie by the end. It was nice getting package after package and not knowing what was inside though. Actually… that just probably means I have a real problem. BUT… I now have a new and improved wardrobe so I’m the real winner here. I probably won’t be saying that when my bank statement comes, but that’s future Byran’s problem.

Although I am a veteran online shopper there are 2 main gripes I have with it. First one. CHOOSING A BLOODY SIZE. Not even that… they have these models who are like HENCH. And it will say “model wears size medium”. So you’re like yeah cool I’ll get a medium. And you get the damn thing, and it wouldn’t even fit your 6 year old step son. And every model always seems to be wearing medium. I’m telling you its a conspiracy. No way are they wearing size medium, I am not having it. And returning something you’ve bought online is just hassle so 9 times out of 10 you’ll just be like “I’ll shrink/grow into it”. Secondly, it’s 2015 why are places still charging premium prices for delivery. Surely everywhere should be offering free delivery by now. And don’t try and act like spending over £100 for free delivery is some sick deal, because we both know it’s not.

Wow, didn’t know I was so passionate about shopping.

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