War on Tomatoes

Perhaps the most important thing I will ever write.

Why are tomatoes so damn prevalent in our society. They have now become a staple in most sandwiches and meals. I ask… WHY? There seems to be a consensus that tomatoes are just as universal as lettuce. NEWSFLASH THEY ARE NOT. I know a number of people who don’t like tomatoes but have you ever met anyone that doesn’t like lettuce.

It has become the norm for me to get burgers from restaurants and ask for no tomatoes. I mean its whatever, it’s fine. I have come to accept that tomatoes live in your average burger. But if I ask for it with no tomatoes please make sure that you uphold this request. What’s that you say? Its not a big deal? Just take it out? Oh thank you for your level headed contribution there reader. But this brings me on to my fundamental problem with tomatoes.

We’ve all seen a tomato right. If you need reminding. Here is a tomato.

Here is the inside of a tomato.

Do you see why this is a problem? Do you see why one can’t just simply take out a tomato? If you’re still confused, let me tell you why. All that squishy tomato goo leaves a disgusting residue on everything it touches. So you get a burger, you take the tomato out but you’re not left with a burger without tomatoes. Instead you have a burger with hints of tomato. And being in this inbetween state is probably worse than eating the damn tomato. At least I know I’m eating something I don’t like. But with this you’re eating something that you shouldn’t be. Did that make sense?

And I will never forget there was this one time. Actually let me just say the past 3 times I’ve asked for no tomatoes I’ve been given them so someone is definitely playing with me. But anyway… I was out. Got a cheeseburger, without the cheese… thats a whole other issue. I also asked for no tomatoes. The waitress says to me, don’t worry the tomato comes on the side. And I was thinking well thats not what I asked, just don’t give me a tomato on the side then. I don’t see what the problem is. Whether you’re not putting one in the burger or not putting one on the side of my plate, just don’t give me one. Anyway I didn’t want to make a scene so I was just like “oh that’s okay”.

So the food came. As the wise waitress foretold the tomato did indeed come on the side. But then the alarm bells came a-ringing. It was in a pot ON TOP of the lettuce. And you remember what I said about the residue. If you’ve forgotten go read back a few paragraphs. So I not only had a tomato on my plate but the lettuce was now rendered useless. And to top it all of she gave me cheese. That actually came in the burger so I guess you could say the whole meal was a bloody car crash.

This is actually becoming a national crisis. We need to change the narrative of tomatoes in our meals. It’s time to say “NO I DO NOT WANT TOMATOES”. “I WILL NOT HAVE A TOMATO IN MY BURGER OR ON THE SIDE”. “Never again will other poor vegetables be tainted by the disgusting product of the devil fruit.”

I don’t like tomatoes guys.